Just saying Hi

Hello everyone. Sorry there is not much for me to say at the moment. I am still a little bit in anumb/dazed state in my life right now. I constantly keep drifting in my mind to my little brother and what events might have led up to him being murered. No people, he was not in a gang, he was robbed. The people stole his debit card, couldnt use it and then came back to murder him after they brutally beat him the first time. Well maybe not brutally since he was still alive. Thank God he was able to contact my little brother before they came back and shot him. Which I am just now learning was on the phone talking to him as he died.

Nothing is more sad to me than living in a world with cold blooded murders. His face did not look like his own because the idiots shot him in the back of his head and the bullet came through his right eye so it was not a pretty sight when I was looking into the casket. I felt bad that a, "what the/" escaped from my lips when I made it up close. I wanted to touch him but just couldn't, it didn't feel right. I am still sad an trying to figure out what happen. First at why was he out so late, and what was he doing walking by himself outside at night. Well it seems that he wasn't by himself because someone else was shot and another one beat as well. So these people were on a robbing spree. In all honestly I thought this was the making of a gang related incident in which my brother might have been in some secretive gang activities bbut he wasn't, thank God. But now he is burning in hell because he wasn't save and all because some crazy people, kids mind you, wanted to kill him.

ince my brother was in the army I am quite sure he probably tried to fight back, but he lost since it was only one of him and 5 other boys. Which is probably why he called my other brothers to come and help him and get him since he was walking by himself. The fact that they shot him in the back of the head might also inicate that he tried running out of basic instinct instead of hitting the ground or something. Not that that would have helped, but it is just some things I have been thinking about. I honestly cannot believe he is gone, him of all people.

It seems like the devil takes the good ones, snatch them up before they come to the Lord through santification and baptism. Not that my brother was a bad kid, he really wasn't. He just hung out with crazy ghetto girls that he had no business hanging out with becaue they liked his good hair and oh look at how pretty you are. Oh wow check out them muscles and all that other crap they say to him. Well sorry, said to him. My mother keeps trying to correct my present and past tense when I am talking about him. Like I said I keep going over our last conversation trying to see if there was a way I could have helped him or what he could have done to be living right now. I feel so bad that I haven't witnessed to my brother like I should have.

I don't know what is it with kids who grow up in church. Why do we feel the need to go on the dark side after we reach acertain age. I have heard countless people saying, it's because they finally want their own freedom. But the thing it, it's like the devil is waiting in hiding for you come out there and then he snatched you for all eternity by killing you before you have a chance to go back to the Lord. I've done it myself when I first went off to college. Wanted to try things I thought I was missing out on. Although I thank God each and everyday, especially now, that I wasn't one of the ones who got caught up in fornication or drugs and alcohol, things I wouldn't do anyway because it's just not in my DNA or personality to do it. I just don't understand having mind altering substances in my body, it's not cool at all to me, especially someone who like to be in control of everything. Not to mention, it' nothing fun about it from what I've heard. No offense to does who use these substances, it's just not for me.

Anyhow, I told myself this morning that no matter how much I go over the events in my head or try to recall the days leading up to lst Saturday, there is nothing that can bring him back. Only God knew what was going to happen, and there was nothing I can do about it. I do feel bad because I do remember waking up early in the morning and having him on my mind. Something usually tells me to pray but I was too tired and just rolled over. Honestly that is why I am upset because I remember seeing his face so vividly when I woke up at aroune 3 something and the morning which was when all this happened. I am trying to keep from crying as my eyes are finally ry. I have been playing Words With Friends to keep my mind off of it, but when I am not doing anything or really focused on something, I keep replaying everything over and over and over in my head, somehow hoping that is I solve some kind of mystery puzzle it will bring him back or I can reach back into time, tell him not to go there and then prevent him from dying.

I was so amazed that the army came out for his funeral. They fired the guns to their left and I was worried a bullet might fall on us or something. It scared us, well it scared me, and then the guns were pointed over our heads because we couldn't stand in front of the troops and sergants, etc while they had the guns in their hands which I am guessing was for our safety. It was very nice though because I thought that stuf only happened on TV and don't think I am racist, but I didn't think they did that for Black people. I'm only being honest and transparent at the moment so don't think I am being ignorant or racist. I must admit my brother is not Black but we do consider ourselves to be Black as we look Black and would be classified as Black.

Again I am rambling now so I won't think about him and all the stuff I have heard, I am wondering what i going on. Like what is he doing right now. I must say this though, it's so coincidentally that he died on the same day as Whitney Houston. His favorite song, which was also one of mine's, I Will Always Love You. I remember him always trying to sing that. Like the one day when we were younger, he was standing at the top of the stairs asking me to sing it since I know how to sing. I would always look at him like he was crazy and tell him, I'm not singing that for you. I'll never forget how he would always suinch up his face trying to hit that high note, so funny when I think back to it. I know he's not worried about Whitney singing that song for him or she's probably not caring about that either. I do wonder what he is doing right now, not that I would want to actually know or see him at this moment because I have no intent o dying right now, but I would just like to know what he's doing right now. If he is alright. If I could talk to him and ask him what happened that night. Only him and God knows an the people who did that to him, which we will never get a straight story from, or even a story at all.

Ugh I keep seeing his face with the bullet hole in his head which was through his eye. I do apologize to those who might be wondering why would I post such a thing on here. Again this is my release and my family is pretty tired of me analzying the situation. I honestly cant help it. I don't knoiw if this is what happens when someone close to you dies or what. He is the only person that was close to me to die. My grandmother died when I was 16 but we barely saw her. She spent most of my childhood in a different state with my eldest uncle who was in the army, and then came back in a nursing home. So that close and intimate relationship was not really there. Yes I did love my grandmother but I did not feel the loss of her passing. Again I am not trying to be insensitive right now, just being honest. So this is a real loss to me and my first real loss and I don't know what to do about it. Of course people I came across in my life have died and passed on, but there was never a loss of Oh my gosh I'm never going to see him again. Or I can't believe this. This is all surreal, wake me up please, this is a nightmare.

That is how I feel right now, like this is some kind of trick or prank. Please don't laugh, but throughout the whole funeral on Saturday, I was sitting there trying to peek behind the tall column to see if he would come from behind it an say, gotcha ya. Or this was a cover up or something from the army. But no, it was real. At least I think it was. No I am not crazy just trying to process all of this. Not to mention it didn't even look like him in the casket. It was him, but they never make a person look like themselves, they always look like they traded bodies or something strange in the morgue. I was a little bit upset by that but what could I say or do, he was shot in the back of the head and the bullet wound was in the back through the eye. So pretty much he had no chance of surviving. I wonder why it was his time to go. It's crazy that a twin dies and leaves back one twin, it just doesn't sound right.

I need to go. I type this last night and then finished it this morning starting at "Like the one day when he was standing at the top of the stairs." I fell asleep because I didn't want to cry anymore. I have an exam coming up on chapters we barely went over for tomorrow but I have yet to read the chapters because I can't be in silence or sitting still, my mind keeps going back to him. I just hope his blood is not on my hands. I feel so bad I did not bring him to Christ. I was too busy with my own life and now his life is gone and I don't know where he is or what's happening to him right now. I wonder if he could, what would he say to us about gettinig our lives together and living saved. It's funny because we ll have certain people whose lives we are suppose to touch and bring to Christ, yet many of us don't. We don't talk about him because we're too busy with our own lives and what's going on in them.  I know I have been an quite honestly, it's not right. I have said honestly like so many times, I am even starting to wonder was I lying about everything else that I have to announce this is me being honest. SMH, me and my words. Yes I know that is not proper grammar, but I just want to emphasize, my connection to the words I only and always use.

Well I need to get some sleep as I keep having interrupted sleep habits this past few weeks, especially as of late trying to go over things meticulously in my head. I wonder what happened that night. Why was he out that late. Who else was with him, What the other family is doing whose son was also shot and the one boy that was left injured. I know there were coming from a party, but my goodness, what were they doing that early in the morning and why? He told me he's never out that late so this is all so shocking to me. But considering my siblings mainly lie to me about things in their lives because they think I am the nerd, Ms. Good Two Shoes who is going to judge them harshly, which I am not. I just want the best for my siblings and I don't want them to en of a casuality of the streets, but I guess it was bound to happen anyway looking at what happened to my brother. I wonder what did his professors say, did they say anything to the students in class because he was a very charming kid. Very friendly and funny, my favorite of the twins to be honest. Well they'll never see this, so it's fine that I am posting it here. :) I think that is why I am sadden the most because he was the good twin, my favorite one. Not saying I didn't like the other twin, but when my mother was trying to tell me on the phone that something happened to twin and I finally figured out he died, I honestly thought it was the other twin.

Not to be insensitive again, but this sounds like something the other twin would have been involved in, the bad twin, the bad boy. Of course I don't wish death on any of my brothers, but I just thought of him first when my mother said he was murdered that morning. Like my mind wouldn't let me see the real brother, but it was in fact him. Don't think I am an insenstive or mean person, but I am quite sure we all know someone where if we were to hear such things happening, it wouldn't be a shock to us but it wouldn't lessen the saddness of the situation. Now me and the other twin are not that close, but he's still my brother and I don't hate him. It's just that it feels like a part of me is gone. There's usually a clique within siblings especially when there is more than two other siblings, I don't know why but it just seems that way.

Well I need to get another hour of sleep. Hopefully none of what I typed has shocked any of you or make you think I am a horribly person, I am just thinking right now. Just trying to figure out what did the other twin say to his twin as he watched him pass away right in front of him? I couldn't imagine. I'm mad I didn't pray that morning, I was too tired. Maybe I was suppose to have been the one that prayed that day, but I was too stressed out from my class, that I wasn't thinking straight. I actually haven't prayed in some time now, which is sad. I ave prayed but it's mainly been about my brother and what was he doing that night. What were the events leading up to that. Why was he out like that knowing only trouble is out at the time of morning. Who goes to parties that late anyway?

Let me get off of here before I end up with another list of questions that may never be answered. I'm wondering what was Whitney Houston doing as well and why was she alone, from what people (the mags and press) are telling us. As crazy as this may sound, I just think that my brother wanted to be a lot closer to her than he was. I wonder if they're next to each other right now on the other side. I wonder what events led up to Whitney's death as well, but again those are questions that may never get an answer. Only she, God, and the people who were right there in that room knows.

It's 7:14am right now. I need to leave out of here by 8:30, well maybe 9am since I am tired and need some more rest.

Have a good day people. Sorry for such the sad news. I only meant to come on here and say hi but ended up repeating the questions in my head in the same unorganized fashion they swarm my head.